last week i wrote you a note about being sick and i didn’t send it, i couldn’t quite get it together to send. one of my friends keeps texting me asking me to pull cards for her for 2020 but i haven’t done it yet. i can’t quite find the time. i have all the ingredients for cookies but they haven’t been mixed together or baked.

i’ve been noticing a lot of questions arising. most of us are kind of hovering around in the unknown to some degree:

some of us are grieving and the unknown is enormous.
some of us are pulled into the energy of the solstice, we are banging around in the dark.
some of us are trying to resolve health issues, looking for just the right combination of supplements and healers to bring us back into balance.
some of us are trying to resolve financial strain, wishing for the way to make it to be right there, ready, solid and true.

this is what seems to be around. we are trying and we aren’t sure what’s going on. not complete despair. not complete joy. something murkier.

i hesitate to share this stuff with you. i mean, who wants to hear this information about the holiday season? it’s sort of terrible news. mostly we want to be on top of gift buying, and wrapping, and have the greenery and the lights up, and have found time to make cookies. we want the needles that fall of the tree swept up and tossed out the back door, the candles lit and a home cooked dinner on the table. we aren’t sure that nachos count. we’ve had hot dog night too many times this month. but really, nothing is as perfect as we intended it to be.

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here is where i keep landing: surrender to the not knowing. it isn’t forever. if we can get more comfy not having all the answers, banging into our shit in the dark, we will find our selves. the energy that is just our being, the places were we know and don’t know all the same. that being wants to emerge. if we stop needing the answers we can find the space where we are, even when we don’t know, even when it is just plan uncomfortable, and from the are place, we can relinquish some of our desperate grasping. perhaps answers will start to arise. and we will welcome them, knowing that we also live when we don’t have them.

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here is a new concept i played with, that i wanted to invite you to join me in. this week, instead of a to-do list, i made a possible map. i took out some gel-pens and drew a path meandering across a few pages of my notebook. i wrote inside the path, “map of five days ~ wandering through the week.”

for each day i have written down things that need to happen at set times, sessions, school pick-up, kids activities - and then i have a whole thought cloud of things that could happen. that might happen. that feel needed, or wanted, or just good. laundry, writing, people i want to reach out to, showering, remembering to drink water and have a snack. throughout each day this week, as i find a pocket of time opening up, i glance down at these pages and i wonder, “what now?” then i chose something out of the thought cloud area. later in the day i will find a moment to get the gels pens back out and cross it off. it feels good.

so, my to do lists turned into a wandering. if i don’t do the dishes at night i do them the next day. the laundry happens when the moment arises for laundry. i make the phone calls in the little ripples where the space opens. things seem to keep happening and also i am softer.

i still spend a lot of time feeling the questions, feeling all the wanting for order, and perfection, and knowing. feeling the grasping for something solid to hold on to. and i lean back, i let go of being on top of things. i am behind, in the great wide open spaces, or bumping into things in the dark. i am being in the unknown. i have a some sense that perhaps this is still the pull of solstice, and that as the sun cycles back into sticking around - i might regain clarity on some fronts. but maybe that is an illusion too. we shall see.

sending you all love,

robin